The Meekrat Entertainment Group

Xig: So it’s all come down to this. We already have two of the champions we need in order to find the Embodiments: Leo Leopolous and Charleston Charge. Whoever wins this final battle will be our champion of Deity Guy and they’ll gain their heart’s desire.
Solana: The final battle is Captain Depresso versus Mike P. I didn’t think either one of them would have made it this far, really. Captain Depresso should be pleased with himself.
Xig: He’s Captain Depresso. He’s psychologically unable to be pleased with himself after what happened to him. In fact, let’s summon them up and get this thing going.
Narrator: And in a puff of smoke, Captain Depresso and Mike P appear!
Captain Depresso: Oh? Is it time for the final battle?
Mike P: I guess so.
Solana: Before we begin, we do have something for you, Mike P.
Mike P: My hat! Oh man, I just feel like a hundred times better now.
Solana: It’s not actually your hat, but a reasonable facsimile. No one knows where your hat went. We just thought that you should have it. You can keep it after the fight, too.
Mike P: Thanks!
Xig: Anyway, I think the only real way for this to be solved is with an actual battle. Mike P is surprisingly spry for a little green creature, and the hat gives him some firepower. Not to mention his uncanny durability. Captain Depresso, on the other hand, has Olympian-level agility and endurance, usually backed up by boundless unfocused rage, but only when he’s compelled to give a damn.
Captain Depresso: I’m giving one right now.
Xig: Good, good. It should be a pretty even match, but I must ask: what are you two fighting for?
Captain Depresso: I’m going to use my wish to bring back the people I lost. I used to be a super-hero named the Cyan Dyanmo. I was a good one, too: member of the Paragon People and all that. One day, though, my secret identity got out and all the enemies I’d made came and took away my friends and the woman I loved. That was what made me Captain Depresso, doomed to wander the world forever in a constant state of depression.
Solana: Have you ever thought about just moving on? That’s pretty bad, yes, but half the people in this competition have lost people close to them. Jerald has seen dozens, if not hundreds, of people he’s cared about die. Every woman Mister Lucky has ever loved have either died or disappeared. Player One’s father died and he lost his closest friends. Charleston Charge has seen death and undeath take nearly everyone he’s ever known. Heck, even Mike P just suffered through the death of two planets, and we don’t even know if he’s alive right now. We’re not sure how he’s here, really, but he is, and you don’t see any of them giving into crippling depression.
Captain Depresso: My pain is better than theirs, more important.
Xig: Really? You’re going with that?
Captain Depresso: Yes. I live only to be hurt.
Xig: You’re sort of a douche. You really need to get a grip on things.
Captain Depresso: You shut up, you have no idea what I’ve been through!
Xig: I saw my grandfather get exiled to a planet and blown up, and my father was dismembered by rampaging gorkbeasts. I was in the process of getting shoved off to sea on a rapidly sinking boat when Deity Guy pulled me out of it. So no, I don’t know what you’re exactly what you’re going through, but I have a pretty good idea.
Captain Depresso: Yeah, thought so.
Solana: What about you, Mike P?
Mike P: I don’t know. Most of my friends are still alive, so I guess after this fight we’ll just sort of move on to somewhere else. Maybe set up a new resort. And I’ll find a new hat, I’m sure.
Solana: What about the planets that got destroyed?
Mike P: Yeah, that was pretty bad, but one of them was filled with a bunch of warmongering jerks and the other was mostly desert and not really a good place to live, overall. So yeah, it’s bad, but it’s not so bad that I’m going to wish for anything that’s happened to me to change. It’s happened for a reason, really.
Solana: What about you not being alive or dead?
Mike P: Oh, I’m sure I’m alive. Just have a feeling. Hey, I know! If I win, then Captain Depresso can have my wish. He wants it more.
Captain Depresso: Really? You’d that for me?
Mike P: Yeah. I would like to be part of the party that goes to rescue the embodiments, though, so we’re going to fight, and I expect you to give it your all.
Captain Depresso: Yeah, sure. I’m so close to fixing what went wrong all those years ago, all I need to do is fight, and even if I lose, I’ll get what I want. Thank you, Mike P.
Xig: If you two are ready?
Mike P: I’m ready.
Captain Depresso: As am I.
Solana: Then get to it!